Creating space for healthy masculinity
Towson University professor argues for an open, vulnerable male identity in his teaching and new book
By Cody Boteler on November 23, 2020
Researching masculinity has been a life-long interest to Towson University lecturer Andrew Reiner, but when his son was born in 2011 “everything took on an urgency.”
He had seen behaviors like violence, domination and emotion suppression held up as manly. Those weren’t cultural expectations he wanted to perpetuate.
“Understanding contemporary masculinity wasn’t just my journey anymore. I’ve got a son now, and this opens a whole new territory,” Reiner says. “And then I realized, it’s not just my son and me. There are so many boys and young men who struggle with this.”
Reiner teaches the seminar "The Changing Face of Masculinity" in the Honors College. He’s written an essay for “The Washington Post” magazine on normalizing men crying and many pieces in “The New York Times,” including a viral one on teaching men to be emotionally healthy.
Now, Reiner is set to publish his first book in early December, “Better Boys, Better Men,” (HarperOne) which argues that American men are working with an outdated model of masculinity that ultimately has a negative effect on them and everyone.
The Towson University Newsroom spoke with Reiner over Zoom to better understand his research and some of the conclusions in his book. The following interview has been lightly edited for clarity and brevity. (Trigger warning: This conversation includes mentions of addiction, suicide and other difficult topics).
From your perspective what does positive masculinity look like?
The good news is that, unlike in the past, masculinity today is being tweaked and more customized. But there are vestiges of unhealthy masculinity too many of us still cling to. Ultimately, what we need is for boys and men to access their deeper emotions, the full spectrum of their humanity, and integrate it. Healthy masculinity means teaching boys and men to reconnect with what they’ve been denied since childhood.
Boys and men should be able to become an amalgam of all complex human feelings and emotions. They shouldn’t be limited to this caricature of what a man should be.
In your book you argue that there is a crisis of masculinity in America. What does
that look like?
I interviewed many boys and young men in high school and college. They would tell me, ‘Oh, I’ve got all these guy friends that I’m really close to and talk to about my problems.’ But then I would ask where they found emotional support, and I started realizing that none of these guys were getting it from their male friends. They went to female friends or girlfriends for that. Sadly, it’s no wonder they shared with me about their anxiety, depression and suicidal ideation.
[Society] talks about problems with addiction, high unemployment and loneliness in the middle-aged and older population. By now, we know about their suffering. But there’s this segment that we don’t think about as much, these boys and young men, who are dealing with anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts.
This all speaks to a masculine identity that's creating a global mental health crisis, and, in turn a public health epidemic that ultimately affects us all
How has masculinity been defined and manifested in American culture?
It’s always been a tight ship in the U.S., in terms of how to steer this idea of masculinity. There's very little room for maneuvering.
We’ve never had a large conversation about men questioning who they should be and what should be more acceptable. In this country’s history, it’s only in the last 40 or 50 years that there’s been any conversation about positive masculine identity.
Even with some progress, we still hold these vestiges of the masculine identity that don’t serve anyone. When you look at commercials for young men, for example, you’ll see fathers dancing with their daughters and showering them with affection.
But you don’t see that shared joy and nurturing nearly as much with dads and their sons. We’re not there yet.
What are some ways to improve the masculine identity?
In the book, I talk about programs and men’s groups that get guys into a space where they feel safe sharing a greater degree of vulnerability. It’s all about being present and owning up to what’s going on in your life. It gets easier to do that the more you practice it—and when you’re with other guys that support you.
There are boys and men learning to talk with each other about topics that they might normally reserve for just a female partner or their mother. And this is crucial: They’re not being teased or rejected or laughed at for it. That’s very powerful—and transformative for men. Look, this stuff really works. Because when we swallow down our feelings, they begin to manifest in ugly, toxic ways.
I’d like to see programs like that taking place in all schools around the country. Because we have to move this conversation about masculinity forward. We have to come up with concrete ways to fix the problem. Too much is at stake if we don’t.
This story is one of several related to President Kim Schatzel’s priorities for Towson University: TU Matters to Maryland.